By Kimberly D’Aquilante
I was standing. Looking behind me at the summer that has passed. Kind of like watching the big orange sun descend slowly into the the back of the field across the street from my house. And it is really a beautiful sight to behold. The orange and the pink streaked sky spans from one side to the the other and the lights and the colors are as amazing as a Fourth of July fireworks finale. Every night. Beauty that lays the day to rest. And the sunset of the summer. As the cooler nights require sweaters. And the trees already look as though they are gearing up for their autumn wardrobe change. Has me standing in awe of what this time has been, and how incredibly it is setting on my own landscape.
It has been by far…one of the hardest and tear filled summers of my life. There have been days when I felt as though I was wracked with pain. And days when I felt as though I was too low to even get out of bed. But something everyday would drag me out to my back porch. To lay my crumpled self at the feet of god. To weep. To pray. To praise. To just watch the goldfinches eat their little seed bag everyday and sing their little songs. And god met me. And continues to do so. Everyday. In sickness and in health. In hope and despair. And I have been given this incredible privelege of so much quiet time. Just holding hands and not speaking a word. In understanding his promises. And seeing them jump off the page and into my life. I have seen first-hand that perfect love does, indeed, cast out all fear. I am witness to the fact that he never leaves nor forsakes. I have proof that like the little sparrow, my god has noticed me and fed me out of the palm of his hand.
Honestly. What a gift to be stripped of everything that we all hold onto. When our faith gets so bogged down with who is preaching and what ministry we are currently running. Whether or not the worship is to our liking, and whether or not sister so and so was nice to us at the church potluck. Ugh. We are all guilty. The American modern day church reflects the modern American. We want things to cater to us. To be quick and easily controlled. And unfortunately our faith usually falls right into line with our compartmentalized and tiny human reasoning. A reasonable god. An even more reasonable spirituality. Keep it to ourself. Don’t let it bother anyone. And we are who we are. And I was guilty of that as well. The busyness of ministry and knocking myself out to please the unsatisfied bellies, the moaners and complainers nudged my relationship with him out of the center and off into the wings somewhere. And then suddenly when we were kicked out into the streets with not much left to hold onto he clothed me in his righteousness. He filled my walls with peace and joy, comfort and healing. And I began to become a place where love has no choice but to spill over.
I learned so much about his goodness and our time has been so sweet that I am almost nervous about life beginning again. Will i forget the water from rocks, the manna from heaven, the meat on my table day after day? Will I forget how he hid me in the cleft of the rock and let me catch a glimpse of his glory? Will I become the din and the clatter of so many Christians that surround me – noisy but lacking the depth of the love that can only be found in surrender…I would rather never be used again if that were the case because i know how easily we get distracted. How simple it is to take credit for things that only he could accomplish within us. I know how selfish we are and how stupid we can be. And so in that respect I wish the sun would not have to set on this moment of my life because through the agony and the tears he has proven himself to be exactly who he says he is. Healer. Provider. Lover. Friend. And I never want to forget any of it.
The other thing that was a result of all of this was the gift of an entire summer to watch our children play and pretend. To hear days of belly laughs and watch movies every night on the couch that we rented from the library for free. We have never had a free summer. One where we weren’t running around busy with ministry. Where we weren’t shuffling our kids from one grandparent to the next in order to serve other people’s children. We got to be ministers to our own. Our children got to see just how terrible and sad the people of god can be to one another. And believe me, as children of a minister they would have seen it one way or the other. It is a rough job to be a kid of pastor and to see and hear all that goes on in the church that is trying desperately to look spotless and without wrinkle. It leaves alot of broken kids in its wake. Everyone tries to make things seem so perfect and without fault like there is this magic “god pill.” Take one and god will make our lives always happy. And easy. And we will all truly love one another…That isn’t the case in the church. And it produces so much disillusionment that in many cases is hard to ever come back from…Instead they learned this huge lesson. That our faith is not wrapped up in a building or a pastor, in a program or a pew, but in the way that we are so very very weak and yet our god somehow gives us the strength to live each day and bring him glory. That the church is far from perfect and that his people are even less, an yet he is exactly who he says he is.day after day.year after year.trouble and trials notwithstanding.that he is truly good. And that our faith and hope must be anchored in the God that will never leave us hanging.
We have prayed together and sought his word. They have seen first-hand the goodness of God as he has met all of our needs and allowed us to rest in his love and our love for each other. I feel as though I have already missed so much time with them. Katie is already 12. And yesterday she was just a bald little baby born to two dumb kids. Who knows what tommorrow holds for anything of them and how quickly time will fly, but i am assured of this: that god has a plan and a purpose for all of us,and that his plan is perfect. And so, I thank him for the gift of today. Of this past summer. Of allowing us to love on our children and understand how much more he loves on us.
And we still don’t have answers. I still don’t know what lies in the heart of those who did this to us. I only know that when I saw them face to face a couple of weeks ago, I felt only saddness and love for them, and that in itself was such a gift from God to me. Because i know in my own strength it would be impossible for me to look at them with love and forgiveness for what has happened. And i cannot begin to tell you…what a feeing it was to realize that I did not hate them. That I did not want to beat them up, or spit in their face. I wanted to hug them and tell them that I still love them and that there is one who loves them even more than they could ever imagine. And just knowing that I have become more than a conquerer in that respect was a huge gift and a prize for me alone.
Finally. We still don’t know how things will work out, or how we will pay our bills. We don’t know what kind of job Mike will get or who will even want to hire him. But again, I guess I feel confident in the God that has ministered to us all summer. Who has opened up heaven and let it pour down upon us. Who made everyday breathtakingly beautiful and kept the birds aflight in the sky above. Who paints the landscape in brilliant colors and who collects my tears in a bottle. Who never promises us a world without pain or struggle and yet who promises to never leave us on our own through any of it. Who has broken through the stormclouds of my life and walked on the wind and the waves. Who holds all of eternity in the palm of his hand and whose love cannot be contained in any of the oceans or even in an expansive sky full of stars that we cannot begin to even count. That if nothing can seperate me from that love. Not life. Not death. Not angels. Not demons. Not depression. Or bitter disappointments. Not betrayel. Or friends that run away. If nothing that has happened this summer has seperated me from the love of my god. Then i know that we will be ok. That nothing I could wish for myself or any hope for a happy life can come close to what a life surrendered and orchestrated by him can create in me. And will look like when the sun sets in my own sky. The possibilities are endless. His promise is never broken. His plans are always perfect.
I am a rich woman. I am well loved by a a wonderful husband and three sweet faced kids. Who give a glimpse of the goodness of God, every time i look at them. I have been put here for such a time as this. To be a witness to the love and hope that can only be found in him. The water that satisfies. The way. The truth and the life.
And I am loved by god. I am beautiful in his sight. He welcomes my tears. He eases my pain. He holds my hand through the long dark stretch of night. He makes the sun to rise every morning and fills the skies with songs. The earth is full of his glory. My life is full of his glory. Let me be a gift back to you, dear Lord. Use me whatever way you can.
Thank you for the sweetest and prettiest summer of my life…
You are worthy of our praise. Summer lover. Sky painter. Bird watcher. How can I not sing your praises. Amen.
Kim and her husband Mike have been putting on rock shows in southern New Jersey almost as long as Tangzine has been around. Kim blogs regularly on her MySpace page.
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